"Time Heals Grief" - Does it?

“You’ll feel better after the funeral” they said… but I didn't. That's when the real pain of grief, loneliness and longing truly began as I adjusted to a new reality completely different to the one that would have been ahead of me.

"You'll feel better with some grief counselling" I'd heard... But I didn't. It was just far too soon to even begin trying to untangle my feelings (although I appreciate how much this would have helped later on).

"You'll feel better after all the "grief" firsts" I thought. But I didn't. I felt a sense of relief straight after, but could still re-live everything like it all happened yesterday. In fact it was ALL I could think about and the terrible deep longing to have them back. The next anniversary, birthday or special occasion was always building up in the back of my mind. Would people eventually forget she was even here?

"You'll feel better when you're back at work" I'd heard... But I didn't. I struggled through each day, putting on a front that I was okay. I tried to act normal, but inside my grief was just screaming. It took so much energy, but I knew that sitting at home also wasn't going to help either so I just carried on, wondering when this “time healing” would eventually kick in.

"You'll feel better and grateful when a happy life event happens" they said... But I didn't. Every event that should have been happy, every outing, every memory even was tinged with such deep sadness and grief for such a long time. It was too hard to try to explain how difficult it was to those that didn't understand, so I always just said I was “fine” and put my false smile on.

Then, one day, I realised with shock that my laugh had actually been genuine. Despite having this need to feel better for so long, instant crippling guilt followed. How could I? I found myself making sure I still felt the pain of grief as much as I could… so that I didn’t lose my connection to her; something I was so desperately worried about.

And gradually, the guilt started to fade. I found calming and comforting ways to remember her and keep her memory alive. I learnt from all the awful times of crippling grief the things that had worked for me and what had made me feel worse. I actively sought out the things that helped, understanding that I could feel genuine happiness and also keep hold of my connection (love). I accepted the bad days, with a new understanding that they wouldn't last forever. I actually embraced them as a chance to feel close to her again. I looked at the new me and realised I needed to change jobs and start a new career. My genuinely happy days became more frequent and the days of despair less so. I started to look forward to the future.

• It's your courage to keep pushing and going through grief when everything feels so helpless.
• It's getting out of bed when you just want to shut the world away.
• It’s the crippling fear of learning to live again and plan a future without that person.
• It’s the exhausting effort of putting on a front, because it’s just too hard to explain your grief.
• It's acceptance in the terrible loneliness of no one being able to save you and the only thing in the world that could make you feel “back to normal” being impossible.
• It's trial and error over and over again in finding the things that help you to feel comfort rather than the pain of grief and then overcoming the guilt of allowing that.
• It’s patience with grief when the last thing you want to do is be patient.
• It’s the constant soul searching to find answers and forgiveness for things you had no control over.
• It's accepting the new you and in turn finding the new puzzle pieces where the old ones don't fit anymore with friends, interests, careers, and well, pretty much everything.

Yes, all of this takes time, but it’s not the “time” that finds the peace.

It’s you…

Push back out into the world when you feel able, rest when you need to (can) and the grief is overwhelming, take a step backwards when that step forward was perhaps too fast, don’t rush yourself in your grief. The absolute biggest help for me has been to write and I wish I'd started sooner. Write down your thoughts, what’s helped with your grief, what’s made things worse. Write to your loved one, tell them what’s been happening and that you miss and love them. Write down and celebrate all your precious memories with them. 

You CAN find genuine happiness again without losing your connection (love), it's truly possible, no matter how much despair you feel right now.

Next time someone says “time heals” to you, remember the enormity of all that phrase truly encompasses and feel proud with that knowledge, of just how far you’ve already managed to come in your grief.