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Writing for Comfort During Grief - where to start
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Time to read 5 min
At the end of last year, I created a grief journal to help others find a release for their grief by way of writing; something that has helped me enormously over the years. To find comfort in writing, you don’t need to have neat handwriting, correct grammar or knowledge on anything other than your own feelings.
I wanted to write a blog about expressing grief through writing and where to make a start. It may be that you choose a guided grief journal to write in, or maybe just a plain notebook. Either way, choosing to write is the first step in finding a release for the sometimes impossible and often confusing feelings of grief.
"I remember people saying to me "you will feel better after the funeral." But I had a purpose and focus then. Those days, weeks, months and years that followed were the times when I had to try to actually learn to live without you; and that was the most painful journey I have ever travelled."
Remember, your writing is for YOU
The key to writing for grief is knowing that your journal or notebook is for you alone. You may choose to share aspects of your thoughts and conclusions with others, but the space you choose to write in should feel like a safe place for you to explore, be yourself and write things that you may not feel comfortable voicing. Maybe you’re struggling to even put a finger on how you actually are feeling and that’s okay too! By writing, you can untangle your thoughts and navigate your way through feelings and emotions that at the time, feel impossible.
What to write?
There are no set rules. You can simply write “I miss you so much today” if that feels right for you. Some days that might be all you can manage, other days you might want to write much more.
Starting with an empty page can feel quite overwhelming, so I’ve added some grief prompts below to help you to make a start.
I personally find comfort in writing to the person no longer here, but you can experiment with different writing styles to find a way of writing that brings the most comfort to you.
Grief writing prompts
Don’t feel like you have to tackle these prompts all at once. Each grief prompt will resonate with you differently on a daily basis. One might particularly stand out to you right now and in that case, that’s the one to start with.
- I don’t ever want to forget…
- Today, I am really missing…
- I wish that you knew...
- You would be so proud of me because…
- If I was being kind to myself, I would…
- I am scared that…
- I am grateful for…
- If I could go back in time, I would…
- …has helped me so much recently
If you find these prompts helpful, there are more over in our guided grief journal, along with grief affirmations on each writing page too.
Recording precious memories
Writing down your memories can be incredibly comforting. Not just the exciting ones as it's their day-to-day absence that often hurts the most during grief. Write down the memories that capture their essence and personality. Don't limit yourself to past memories. Perhaps you saw a robin today, or some other sign that reminds you of them. Maybe you've done something in their memory that you are proud of. These are all new memories you can write down too.
Just the very act of writing for your loved one can often feel comforting during grief. So if you don't have the headspace to think right now, writing out a poem that is meaningful to you/them or the lyrics to a song that reminds you of them in your book is also something you can do.
Be kind to yourself
Try not to place extra pressure upon yourself with guilt in challenging yourself to write daily. Do what feels right for YOU. Perhaps you will find comfort writing every day, week, maybe once a month, maybe just sporadically or on anniversaries. This will likely change over time too. Whatever works for you at this moment in time is exactly right for you.
It really doesn't matter if you mess up a page. In fact, the chances are, if you are writing often, that you probably will. Remember this grief journal is for you. Put a little scribble by your mistake, doodle over it, or write "whoops" with a smiley face if you know it will worry you. Something that will make you smile when you re-read that page.
You may also at times avoid putting pen to paper for self preservation and that’s okay. Writing requires you to be vulnerable which isn't always easy.
Discovering your personal self-care tools
Although it won't feel possible at first, as time passes, you will find your own coping tools that help you to get through the times where your grief feels overwhelming. These ways of coping will be very different for all of us. It may be talking, being alone, spending time in nature, keeping busy, writing, taking a break from social media, spending time with your pet...
Writing these things down (your own personal self-care tools) will make them easier for you to reach for when you are struggling to cope with your grief. You can include your circle of support, which may include people close to you and online grief support services too.
Our guided grief journal has a section for recording your self-care tools, but you can easily create a section in a notebook to write them down to turn to on bad days.
Writing will also help you to recognise the times that you may be in need of some extra support. If you are recording your self-care coping tools as mentioned above, you will likely recognise if your ways of coping are becoming unhealthy. If you decide that you'd like grief counselling for example, your writing will help immensely with expressing what you have been struggling with the most and the coping strategies you have been using that are worrying you.
We are going to be writing/publishing a number of blogs around writing for grief, with special guests bloggers getting involved too. If you are interested in writing an article about your own experience of grief and how writing has helped you, I'd love to hear from you. Please email lisa@theselfcarejournalco.co.uk.
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