Why I’ve created a Baby Loss Grief Journal

In this blog, I’m going to share the drive behind The Self-care Journal co. and in particular, my new baby loss grief journal.

Realising just how fragile and short life is, I really wanted to make a difference. Not only for others in reaching out to bereaved parents, but also in my own life. For example, I knew I would rather be struggling for money and spend every minute possible with my future children, whereas my previous plan was to continue working full time to build “stuff” around us. The things that used to feel so important, didn’t seem quite so significant anymore. 

It wasn’t just in my relationships though. I suddenly found a creative streak and started to make keepsake gifts for bereaved families who had also experienced baby loss. I signed up to a creative university course and changed my career completely. I dedicated as much time as I could to making a difference in memory of my little girl.

I was working for a charity at the time and spending a lot of time chatting with bereaved parents who had recently experienced baby loss, something of which I considered to be such an honour; to hear about their beautiful babies. I was preparing something really special to include many very precious little one’s names on… and whilst doing this I began to realise that I was slowly but surely crumbling. I became completely obsessed with the possibility that I might miss something by accident on this baby loss project and be the cause of further upset and my body/mind told me in a few different ways that I was completely burnt out. I needed to pause, take the time to sit with my feelings and process my emotions.

This was just after what should have been our daughter’s 13th birthday.

As the realisation hit me that I wasn’t coping as well as I thought I had been, I took a big step back and pretty much retreated from the world and baby loss community. I hid away and began to slowly change things again. I started small, with what I could manage, I focused on myself, my family, our day-to-day rituals, and I took each day at a time. 

In the early days of grief, I wrote to my little girl and I would also blog in the moments that I was struck with a grief epiphany (I hadn’t yet discovered journaling). Later on (after my meltdown), I used journaling as a way of practising gratitude for my current life as well as recording my emotions. I still write letters to my daughter each year now. Writing truly is a therapy for me. Looking back, I realise that it has helped me to:

• capture and explore my feelings

• recognise my progress from one year to the next

• keep a connection to my baby girl with the things I'd like to tell her

• consciously notice and reach for the things that help me

• recognise and avoid the things that end up making me feel worse

• appreciate my empathy and all the amazing things in my life now

• have an underlying knowledge that however hard feelings of despair hit, that they won't last forever and that I'll ultimately be okay.

I wanted to be able to bring all of this together somehow.

I firstly created a general gently guided grief journal bringing together all of the points mentioned above to help others find the unique things that will help them; as writing has done for me over these years. We all have individual journeys to travel which are so different; but in exploring our thoughts and feelings, getting to know ourselves (triggers, etc), by regularly checking in on ourselves and keeping that connection with our loved ones through writing, I strongly believe that the journey can be a little more cushioned.

An example of this might be that we can subconsciously immerse ourselves in activities or things that actually end up making us feel so much worse. We keep on doing them though purely out of habit or as a link to our old lives. The truth is that some of the things we used to do in our “before loss” lives, might not fit or be helpful anymore. Consciously thinking about this and writing about it can help us to start looking towards and trying something different/new that is helpful and brings some calm instead of pain. 

With all this in mind, my grief journal is self-led with gentle prompts and I hope, a comfort to reach for rather than something to work through over a set period of time. My guided grief journals help with:

• Exploring and releasing difficult emotions

• Finding comfort in having an outlet to write the things we’d like to tell our loved ones

• Identifying when extra support may be needed with wellness checks

• Recording and cherishing special memories

• The discovery of self-care tools, making them easier to reach for on the really bad days

• Finding hope for the future through grief affirmations

I have put all of my love into putting the baby loss grief journal together, which has in turn brought me so much solace. I’m in a different place now, so looking through all of my experiences with fresh eyes has made me realise just how far I have come and how helpful this baby loss grief journal will be for others. 

I have done my best to ensure that the baby loss grief journal…

• …can be used by both Mums and Dads who have experienced baby loss

• …doesn’t deal with a particular trimester loss. The journal is for any bereaved parent, whether baby loss is through miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, who would like to write to their baby and explore their grief.

• …doesn’t mention trying again (for those who can’t or choose not to following baby loss). This can still be written about of course if one of the prompts takes someone in that direction personally, but it isn’t specifically mentioned.

I would NEVER have believed I could feel truly happy again when I lost my little girl, yet here I am still honouring her precious memory, carrying my grief in manageable ways and feeling true gratitude for everything in my life. I hope you can find your own unique way to the same place with maybe just a few less metaphorical broken bones, bashes and bruises! ❤️